Is vulnerability a strength? I think so...

I recently heard the following quote from Ken Blanchard "people admire/respect skills, but they love vulnerability" and it really resonated with me and got me pondering. Suddenly I realised that throughout my life most, if not all, of the people who I knew well and who I had struggled to feel comfortable around were unable or unwilling to show vulnerability.

But why would someone be unable or unwilling to show vulnerability? And what are the potential repercussions? I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on this and I have done a bit of Googling and found lots of blogs and articles about vulnerability as a strength - but none of them exactly covered the conclusions I have arrived at so, for what they are worth, here they are:


What is vulnerability?
For me vulnerability means feeling worried, scared, uncertain, over-whelmed, unable to cope, hurt, stressed. It means admitting that you were wrong, that you don't know something, that you have failed at something, that you have changed your mind, that you need help.

(A lot of the websites suggest that a willingness to be vulnerable means being prepared to risk failure or emotional hurt.)

Surely there cannot be a human being alive who has not experienced the feelings or situations listed - to have felt vulnerable?


So why would someone not show their vulnerability?
I have no relevant professional training, but my guess is that people who hide their vulnerability do so because they need to feel and/or be seen to be strong, capable, resilient, certain, always right, always successful. Is this need derived from nature or nurture, or a combination of both?

Are there people who are never able to show their vulnerability? And others who choose carefully who they show their vulnerability to? Are their 'motives' different? It is sensible for everyone to think about when it is appropriate to show vulnerability and on what 'subjects', an obvious distinction being work vs. home. But can there be less positive motives, around controlling relationships?


And what are the potential repercussions?
If Ken Blanchard is to be believed, then people who do not show their vulnerability are likely to be less 'lovable' to others - I guess this translates as less likely to enjoy warm, easy, robust relationships with others. But what other implications might this reluctance or inability have for them? How might it influence their opinion of others? How might others feel about them and around them?

My guess is that they would view vulnerability in others as a weakness and judge that person accordingly. And, in my personal experience, they potentially use vulnerability in others as a way of promoting their own feelings of 'strength' or superiority - by either 'coming to the rescue' or pointing out that they are successful or confident in the area of concern to the other person.

And unfortunately, when they come to the rescue I don't believe that they would be able to do it in an empathetic way - a way that would make the vulnerable person feel supported, nurtured, understood. Instead the vulnerable person might feel weak, silly, inept, wrong.

Someone who doesn't show vulnerability doesn't ask for help. And probably cannot tolerate or cope with the feelings underlying vulnerability. So when the inevitable feelings of vulnerability occur they have to be suppressed or bottled up. If for some reason this becomes too much and causes negative stress they don't have any coping strategies that are comfortable - because they don't know how to ask for help and they see it as a weakness anyway...it must feel like a downward spiral of the very feelings they need to avoid.

Are people who are reluctant to show vulnerability also reluctant to say "sorry"?



So, in conclusion, I believe that the willingness and ability to show vulnerability can be a great strength - it can require courage, honesty, humility and solid self-esteem.

And next time you are honest enough to show a vulnerability or ask for help and someone makes you feel weak or silly, remember...it almost certainly says more about their insecurities than yours!

What's in a name?

Why Cheeky Mum Therapy?

Because back in September 2007 when I phoned my husband to tell him I had had an idea for a name for my blog I was sitting on a commuter train and embarrassed that I might be overhead. So I was hissing "Cheaper Than Therapy".

"What?"

"Cheaper Than Therapy!" I hissed again.

"Cheeky Mum Therapy?!?" 

"Ooh...I like that even better! Thanks."

I'm back!

Will anyone notice?

I am not sure what 'back' means anyway because before my 5.25 years absence I only managed four blog entries. But let's see how I go in 2013.

You can't write that kind of humour

The St John's Ambulance Service recently visited my 3 year-old daughter's nursery. When I asked her about the visit she excitedly asked if I knew why they were called the St. John's Ambulance. I didn't so I asked her to tell me:

"Its because there's an ambulance."

To clarify...

...while my girls are quite often cheeky, in a humourous, lovable way, they are not The Cheeky Girls. (For anyone who googled 'cheeky mum therapy' and found the story from The Independent newspaper dated 8th January 2007.)

Dear 'Don't Get Me Started'

I have no issue with people who eat apple cores (although it has never appealed to me). Its the ones who do it...AND THINK IT IS CLEVER...those are the ones I have a problem with. You don't eat the wrapper on your KitKat do you?

Here's another: Drivers (invariably male I must say) of ordinary saloon cars who put their hand out of the window to implore you to give way when they want to pull out.

A bit of a taster, so you can see if it is worth coming back

I am quite logical and have a sense of humour that I thought would probably be described as 'dry', however when I asked my husband to describe it he said 'sharp'. Let me give a couple of examples:


The song by Take That called 'Back for Good': Allegedly a love song. The words, sung by a man, go something like 'whatever I did, whatever I said, I didn't mean it. I just want you back for good'. If I am not mistaken this is basically 'you are in a strop with me about something. I have no idea why, but I'll just say sorry and then let's move on'. Well no, I'd actually like you to have a think about precisely what you did wrong and then say sorry properly.


In the UK we have an advert for the Army. A group of soldiers are running across rough terrain, carrying an injured colleague on a stretcher. As they reach a river, the voiceover says 'If you are thinking 'how will WE get across?' then you are the kind of person the Army is looking for'. No, I would be thinking 'Are you sure you can't walk on that ankle?!'.


So, do these examples strike a chord or make you smile? If not, its probably not worth adding Cheeky Mum Therapy to your favourites.